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I stand at the edge of everything I have known. The world that once was mine is gone. My dreams come haunting me even when I am awake. I can’t go back, but I cannot go forward either. My future is clouded with mists through which I cannot see. I do not know what it will hold; do not know whether it’s light or darkness that’s awaiting me. Do not know whether it’s despair or hope.
I stand up here, on this hill and down in the valley I can see my friends wait. They know something is wrong with me; yet they do not dare to ask. Whether they just want to be polite, or whether they have a premonition of what’s the cause I do not know. But they wait. Just as if it was but a matter of time that I would go back down to them like I have always done. But this time they are wrong.
I don’t know if ever I can return to them. I feel myself slipping away from those I not so long ago had called my family. Times are changing. I feel something arise in the depths of my heart that none of them would be able to understand. Let alone accept. I know they would turn from me did they hear what my dreams reveal to me. The darkness that surrounds me is powerful and I can feel it circulate through my veins.
No, they couldn’t possibly understand.
What it’s like to feel your own soul, your own self, getting lost to something you do not even know what it is.
They couldn’t understand.
I have never known much about my past; knew nothing of it but my name. Vague memories – shadows of what once has been – I encountered them, but they never meant something to me. They were distant whispers of a time long gone. Whispers that died long before the first sunlight left the horizon to herald a new day.
They aren’t anymore.
Their call becomes stronger. Each night my memories come back to me in the disguise of dreams. At first I thought I was having nightmares – and even talked to my friends about them. They soothed me; told me that I didn’t have to worry for the dreams would surely fade away. But they didn’t. They became clearer. With each night that passed by I saw more of what I finally figured out was my once lost past. And I hate it; hate her - the one I have been. The one I will be again.
Those dreams – my memories – I wish I could make them go away. I wish I could forget again. What I did in this life that once seemed to be lost to me is way beyond what the others could comprehend. I was evil and deep inside of me I feel this part of my soul return. Whatever has been the reason for its awakening – it has arisen to stay.
A sigh leaves my throat as I close my eyes tightly. They must not know. And they won’t ever. They are the light. For all their lives they have fought my kind – have fought what I truly am. How could I possibly expect them to forgive and understand?
I am alone.
Their eyes lie on me, their gazes ask but none of them speaks out. They wait but deep inside I know that this will be in vain. While once it was my unknown past that’s been hurting me, it’s now my future that tears my heart apart. I cannot be with them. Not when who I am is what they fear. The darkness inside me will destroy them. Either that or they fight and succeed - extinguishing this dark flame … and me along with it.
I don’t want any of this to happen.
I wish I could go back to these old days in which my life was so simple. With a wry smile on my lips I remind myself that I didn’t think it to be simple then though, but it was. I was me. Just me. I was good because the people around me were that way. And I was a part of their lives.
I can’t be anymore.
I have to go; got to go before the abyss that’s opening inside of me lures us all into its depths. I have to go before the shadow of my past falls on all of us. I know they won’t understand, but they will have to accept. If I go now, then maybe they can continue to fight for what they believe in. With me staying, they couldn’t.
Again I feel the power inside of me arise. Like a pulsing dark light it suddenly runs through my veins, making my heart beat faster. A deep breath gets caught in my lungs and I know I have to go. Right now. Right here.
It’s a silent “good bye” that I send them when with the last amount of white magic I can summon I make the winds take up speed and whirl some petals down their way. The white leaves will die and wither when touching the ground I know. It will make them see.
Then I raise my arm. I don’t know why I am doing this, but it feels natural. I can see their eyes widen and just for a moment I do not know the reason for it. But then I understand. A whirlwind is surrounding me and before I can even blink it takes me away.
I don’t know my destiny; do not know where it will take me to. All I know is that my future is clouded in mists and my path unknown to me.
I do not look back as I go. The winds claim my body and my heart; and the darkness claims my soul.
I am sure to never see them again; am sure to leave them behind for good. Maybe they will mourn; maybe they will search for the one they have known.
They won’t find her. They won’t find me.
I am leaving - giving them the chance to fulfill the fate that I am sure is awaiting them while I will go to meet my own.
And through the haze of the winds I perceive nothing. I do not see their eyes; do not hear their calls.
I am oblivious to all what I leave behind.
I do not see the one petal that doesn’t die…
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